Are You Ready for Zombies?

Zombies. The death defying, teeth gnashing, ever shambling, marathoners of nightmares. Thank whatever collective deity they are imaginary, right? Right? What if they are not? I mean the CDC released an official Z plan. Now, before you scoff, and run off to whatever star filled article seems more realistic, I am going to ask you, NAY, challenge you to suspend your disbelief for a moment and come on a post-apocalyptic journey with me.

So, the CDC, according to their calculation if a zombie virus started in New York the city would be wiped out in days and the world within weeks. Look it up. That’s their projection. Pretty bleak.

But that’s “preposterous! There is no such disease! This may currently be true, however, have you ever kept passing the same cold back and forth with your roommate or children? That is because every time a virus or bacteria are passed through a human it mutates a bit. This is how we get strains of antibiotic resistant bacteria. The same is true when viruses pass between animals and humans only it’s a bit more drastic. Mad Cow disease and Hoof and Mouth are famous examples of this. What if a disease like rabies mutated in way that it could survive in humans without immediately killing the host?  Biting, foaming at the mouth, extreme violence, lack of recognition for loved ones. Starting to sound Zombified yet?

Ok settle down, calm your hyperventilating, that will not help you survive this. Neither will all the one- man-against-a-horde zombie flicks you have seen. While it’s fun to imagine oneself as the hero charging through the streets bashing skulls in creative ways in a lead sprayed blaze of glory this is real life (sort of). What I mean is on this imagination vacation there is no extra takes, and no reset button. When you are dead you are dead. Or undead.

“Oh wise zombie master what ever should we do?” So glad you asked. First of all, let’s address guns. Stupid. Dumb dumb dumb suicide death trap dumb. Whilst a bullet is effective at destroying the human brain (as that’s what they are designed for) it is noisy. Noise gives away your position to other (possible) hostile humans and of course the Zed’s. Yes, yes silencers. Silencers only work for so many rounds they are difficult to clean and there is tons of running involved (that will all be explained in future articles). Also, find me a silencer for a shot gun or rifle (she said sarcastically). Guns look cool and intimidating to humans but zombies don’t intimidate. If a zombie is far enough away that you can extend your arm enough to shoot it is far enough away to escape it. Remember the winners are still alive not getting medals for valor. Ok? So no guns got it?

What is the correct plan of action when the weather is zombies outside? Here is my expert emergency advice. Get somewhere upstairs, take out said stairs and mind your own damn business. Keep your loved ones at immediate arm’s length. Have a family bug out bag at a minimum. If you live in a large city have a 3 month supply of food, water, hygiene/medical supplies and a radio. Not your cell phone. An am/fm radio mostly to be sure the city isn’t going to be bombed. Make sure you have a deck of cards. Entertainment is crucial when waiting out the chaos. When it is finally quiet, no traffic, no screams, no gun shots, no assholes cat calling, its finally safe to leave and go nomad. That is a whole other article.

Thanks for cowering in the corner of my imagination with me. See you on the other side of the apocalypse Goons and Ghouls.                                                                 -PHeffernan

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