Hey guys Phenom here. I know you missed me when cohorts decided to push Wrestlemania. I apologize now for missing that, most of you understand, kids don’t listen very well. Guess what guys! I’m back! I had the privelege to hold my beautiful daughter and son while watching Wrestlemania 33 and I am going to express the amazing moments the thrill ride provides!
The Kickoff Show:
The Cruiserweight Championship: I had been settled in for a little bit and my wife handed me our 3 day old, A-Double’s music hit my ears. My daughter, Carolynn, seemed to roll her eyes and I couldn’t have disagreed more. I truly believe Austin was going to dethrone the King of the Crusierweights. After a huge battle between the two greats, we witnessed the full strength of Aries (Markymarc should take notes), but eventually the rake of the eye by Neville leads to the Red Arrow of Death and a victory for the champion.
The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: As my son and I prepped our nachos, I came across an interesting spotlight. Markymarc and Richard didn’t make any picks for the kickofff show. Now Markymarc was pretty busy getting his push ups in, but Richard wasn’t busy at all. He made mention about my wife’s “sexual relations”. Richard man my pick, much like your strange fetish of the Phenom, was the Big Show. Unfortunately I was wrong about that pick, BUT Gronk made an appearance, and unlike Richard, helped his friend Mojo Rawley by blasting Jinder Mahal, leading to Mojo’s Wrestlemania moment. Richard I may look like Killian Dain, but my “sexual relations” tend to act like him, blasting my Irish Blossom all day every day. Now like Jinder, take your drink, babble like an idiot and get blasted by the Pats Tight End!
The Intercontinental Championship: The Lone Wolf walks with the smirk of how easy Dean Ambrose was going to be beaten. How would he dismantle the Lunatic Fringe? Now after reading the conversation between MarkyMarc and Richard, I was convinced Richard has an ego the same size and depth as the Deep Six, Baron Corbin planted on Ambrose. Like the Lunatic, I have the ultimate ability to come back and prove my “haters” wrong. Corbin couldn’t contain Ambrose and Dick couldn’t contain me. The Lunatic and The Phenom stay on top!
The Opening Match: Shane McMahon vs AJ Styles: This match up reminds me of Markymarc vs Richard. All Shane does is train more and more while owning the title of amazing GM. MarkyMarc doesn’t have many cares, but training and keeping his title of MCHeel. AJ has an ego needed popping and if I haven’t made it clear enough so does Richard. However unlike AJ, Richard has no bite hence why he refused to allow me to enter the preview. The Phenom was ready, willing and able to aide his wife in her labor and still relish in pleasing his fans with his skilled terminology and impeccable spelling. Styles went straight forward to his boss and tried getting him to wrestle. Yes, for the young viewers and Mr. Rich, there is actually wrestling in the WWE. Unfortunately, McMahon absolutely owned him, like Russell Westbrook and triple doubles. So Styles attempts to “duke” it out. Unfortunately, like the “Duke” flat-earthers it fell on deaf ears as Shane preferred to box his superstar out. Somehow the ref was hit during a small shuffle and Styles tried to take advantage. He brought out two trash cans and went for the famous Coast-to-Coast. Shane smashes AJ with a huge counter. Finally AJ realized all he needed to do was outlast the risk taker. AJ Styles walks out with a huge victory.
The United States Championship: Much like Kevin Owens mindset, the Phenom is the main reason people have started paying attention to Rivalry Sports and Entertainment Network WWE division again. Y2J was hidden, nearly as an old jobber (like Goldberg should be), then KO brought him out to use him. At KOMania 2, Jericho couldn’t get anything constant going. The Phenom is not only proud but excited to introduce our new United States Champion Kevin Owens!
The Raw Women’s Championship: What looked like a huge wildcard turned into quick assault. Three of the Four Horsewomen quickly dismantled Nia Jax so they could have their chance at the championship. The Queen tried to pit the friends against each other for few amazing moments. Soon Charlotte attacks the Boss and after an attack off of the exposed turnbuckle Sasha was removed. Finally the rematch the Queen wanted. However the Hugger prevailed and pinned Charlotte.
The Raw Tag Team Championship: Much like Richard’s number of heart attacks from running, the Hardy Boys made their in ring return! Shocking everybody, like the size Rich Dick has, the return threw the champs into a quick frenzy. Tons of high flying action destroying Enzo and Cass, a year long spin and beat of drums wasting Anderson and Gallows, and a thrilling 20 foot drop jolted the electric crowd as Matt Hardy grabs the tag team championships for the Hardy Boys!!
Co-ed Tag Team Match: John Cena and Nikki Bella vs The Miz and Maryse: Out of all of the matches on this card, this match was terribly in ring hyped BUT eloquently intensified with long winded speeches. Unlike Richard, the Phenom knows true love is and it is definitely shown between Nikki and John. My three year old son, Ezra, pointed out Cena let himself get beat down, so Nikki could have her amazing Wrestlemania moment. With another beautiful speech, John proposed to Nikki and unlike Richard’s first fifty attempts, Nikki said YES!
Non-Sanctioned Match: Seth Rollins Vs Triple H: Rebuild, redesign, reclaim is not just the phrase Seth Rollins uses but Richard uses it too. Unfortunately that’s only because he is usually on the run. Rollins lit up his entrance and dominated the beginning of the match. Triple H came to his senses and started destroying the “King Slayers” knee. Several painful attacks to Rollins knee, Seth finally committed the biggest crime he could have: Regicide by Pedigree!
Unfortunately like most of the Phenom’s fans, our ears had to deal with terrible music and more of Richard’s nonsense.
WWE Heavy Weight Championship: Head games are played all day between amateurs. April 2nd, masters will play. Randy comes out in a fiery blaze. Bray gets a few shots in and starts the games. Maggots, worms and crickets all come to mess with the viper. Then the “god” allowed himself to get hit with the legend killers most devasting weapon: the RKO! 13 time champion Randy slithers out.
WWE Universal Championship: Easily the least hyped and possibly only title that did not mean much to the match itself. The match was well; a Richard. Complete dud with Lesnar winning.
Smackdown Live Women’s Championship: This match felt pretty rushed, like MarkyMC’s sit ups, with tons of fast paced action. Becky and Alexis Bliss seemed super strong but in the end the Glow stole the show. Naomi made the champ tap to grab her chip back.
No Holds Barred: Roman Reigns vs Undertaker: Undertaker dominated the oft booed Reigns early on but Roman started to fight back. Reigns spears Taker through a table then spits towards him. Reigns then starts beating on him until his last ride. Reigns kicks out. Eventually Taker forces Reigns to hit the hardest spear ever. Reigns wins his best match.
Taker then Retires. What a great Phenom!